Exactly fifteen years ago, today I took one of my mental pictures in the balcony of our old house in Ganja. Our neighbor had entered university, it was marking one year of my father’s absence, and we were planning to move in a new house. And it all made me think of the future of my sisters and myself. That mental picture was full of nothing but questions, the majority of which have already been answered.
Now, miles away from home, and not doing any of those traditions we used to do on this date, I remembered that mental picture. Although I have tons to do today, I still wanted to take a moment from this crazy busy day and say something for my father.
I do not know why exactly, but this year I have started to mourn for my father’s incomplete life only. Whenever I have remembered him, I have cried inside for the things he had missed and is going to do so in life. Before I would think how my sisters and I would continue our lives without him, but now I am feeling terribly sorry for his life. He deserved to have a fulfilled life. I have started to think of his dreams and goals that would never be realized. I am sorry for them now.
Sixteen years ago today… I don’t think I will ever be able to put my thoughts into words. I just wanted to say Rest in Peace, Father. I am sorry for your life now. I am living in that mental picture now, but it is still incomplete, and it will always remain so. Yes, every step of our lives will never be complete without you. I wish you were with us during those times not for us this time, but for you, because you deserved to get old, enjoy this stupid life. You deserved to enjoy parenthood, and be proud of yourself seeing us growing.
Everything has been, still is and will always be incomplete without you.
Update: You deserved to become a grandparent and play games with him, tell him stories and most importantly enjoy taking naps with him, as he used to do with us. I will tell him a lot of stories about you, and he will always be proud of you although he didn’t know you.