Archive for the ‘She’ Category


Exactly fifteen years ago, today I took one of my mental pictures in the balcony of our old house in Ganja. Our neighbor had entered university, it was marking one year of my father’s absence, and we were planning to move in a new house.  And it all made me think of the future of my sisters and myself. That mental picture was full of nothing but questions, the majority of which have already been answered.

Now, miles away from home, and not doing any of those traditions we used to do on this date, I remembered that mental picture. Although I have tons to do today,  I still wanted to take a moment from this crazy busy day and say something for my father.

I do not know why exactly, but this year I have started to mourn for my father’s incomplete life only. Whenever I have remembered him, I have cried inside for the things he had missed and is going to do so in life. Before I would think how my sisters and I would continue our lives without him, but now I am feeling terribly sorry for his life. He deserved to have a fulfilled life. I have started to think of his dreams and goals that would never be realized. I am sorry for them now.

Sixteen years ago today… I don’t think I will ever be able to put my thoughts into words. I just wanted to say Rest in Peace, Father. I am sorry for your life now. I am living in that mental picture now, but it is still incomplete, and it will always remain so. Yes, every step of our lives will never be complete without you. I wish you were with us during those times not for us this time, but for you, because you deserved to get old, enjoy this stupid life. You deserved to enjoy parenthood, and be proud of yourself  seeing us growing.

Everything has been, still is and will always be incomplete without you.

Update: You deserved to become a grandparent and play games with him, tell him stories and most importantly enjoy taking naps with him, as he used to do with us. I will tell him a lot of stories about you, and he will always be proud of you although he didn’t know you. 


An old shirt and making plans

‘Always make a plan and stick to it, be it in a professional or personal life.’ Uncle, most of the time, finishes our Skype talk with this sentence. There are people who like making plans in everything all the time (my uncle is one of them).

Today, one of my shirts, a very old one took me five years back (Yeah, I am a saver, when I really like something I keep it for years.) I remembered I had bought that shirt as a birthday present for myself five years ago. Actually I had bought two, but I don’t know where the other one is now, although I still wear this one and take it with me wherever I go.

An old shirt and making a plan, huh?

Sure enough, I have my own connection between them. If you are still reading the post, one more step. While contemplating I realized when I bought that shirt I had totally different plans, in professional and personal life. There is nothing left from those plans in the current flow of my life. It is just me there at that time and here now, and my family and closest friends. The rest is gone far away as those plans are.

They didn’t work out, for good or bad,  no matter how determined I was  to stick to them since they were what I wanted at that time. Now I see a different me in a different place around different people.  I have new plans, but again I am determined to stick to these plans of mine (Sometimes, Uncle really convinces me how important making plans is.) Who knows?! Where I will be after five years, with whom and what percentage of my today’s plans will work out. So many questions. Again!

Learning while living is all we are supposed to do. Making plans, despite the fact that they might not work out, is very exciting; even the idea brings joy to the heart, and effort made to realize the plans is always worth.

While thinking about all of those plans, current plans, new people, new experiences a shy smile is searching somebody to smile at. Sending that smile to all of you who read my another not-very-clear-blog post in the end.


He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is illuminated.
He who defeats others is strong.
He who defeats himself is powerful.
He who knows happiness is rich.
He who keeps his path is wilful.

Be humble and you will become whole.
Bend and you will become straight.
Empty yourself and you will become full.
Wear yourself out and you will become new.

The wise man does not show off, and so he shines.
He does not make himself known, and so he is noticed.
He does not praise himself, and so he has merit.
And because he does not compete,
none in the world can compete with him.

I don’t really know whether it is good or bad to see your thoughts to be written down long ago.  They are from the book called Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu who is considered the founder of Taoism which is a Chinese religious and philosophical tradition. You can read more about the author and the book here. You can read how the book was written  in Paulo Coelho’s blog where I saw them first.  I didn’t know the only symbol I have ever been interested is their symbol-Taijitu.

Supernatural power

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

You would remember Einstein saying this.

While riding bike lots of interesting and puzzled thoughts cross your mind. I wonder whether this sentence, too, found Einstein while riding bike or not.

At my university in Baku, a couple of girls from different groups would frequently visit orphanages. To be honest, I never thought of going there. I knew that I would never forget those kids. In other words, I run from sharing their grief. I don’t really know what kind of help I could be of them but I think I could do, at least, what those girls were doing.

The other day, I rode bike to the downtown alone!  In Azeri they say ‘ Herkes bu dunyaya tek gelib tek gedir’ ( Everybody leaves this world alone as they come alone). However, life is not an easy path to go through alone so we start social binding first from our families, then school, work etc. No need to go far here, better continue with me riding bike alone and connection of it with the scene from university.

Before there was always a person, a very good one, teaching me rules and some techniques of biking. In short, I have always felt safe that way, it is a great relief knowing and seeing that in case I do something wrong I will be told, and I will have help if something happens. I think feeling secured also brings you self-confidence and courage in some way.

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SONNET 116 (William Shakespeare)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds                                                   
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.



When you start learning riding bike there is always somebody who helps you. After you start doing better that person lets you ride alone, however, he follows you to catch  just in case you fall down. DOST does the same in your life.

Dost doesn’t ask you how you are, instead asks what is wrong with you even if you don’t see each other. Dost doesn’t try to be nice to you just to prove your friendship or anything. Dost leaves you alone by being around all the time. Dost doesn’t invite you to anything at their house expecting you to go to the kitchen and finish up their last cola in the fridge. Dost criticizes you not giving a damn where your friendship can go. Dost’s criticism is like a hard slap on your face making you realize the ugly truth all at once. Right, good dost is a good clean mirror reflecting you as you are.

Dost writes you how much you mean for her out of no reason. Dost lets you feel her right next to you even though you are miles away. Dost is always ready to listen to all the nonsense you think and talk about. Calling each other names, or sending each other to hell feels way better than telling compliments. I have my own way to let Dost know how important she is in my life.  It is like Robin who confessed her love to Barney by telling him ‘You are an idiot’. Dost is a family member, your mother prepares something for her, too,  when you go out together. You feel the same when you go to dost’s house. Eating at the same table with dost’s family without her feels like you are eating with your own family. You go everywhere together with your Dost. You enjoy all kind of craziness with your Dost. Nothing seems scary or embarrassing when you have your Dost around.

“Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words.

Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions.

Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits.

Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values.

Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.

M. Gandhi


P.S. Yes, dost means friend in English although it means more than friend in our language. In my story it is BFF  (Best Friend Forever).  Dost is getting married today and I am not there!

A big smile to all fathers

Я все помню! (I remember everything!)



P.S. Please accept my apologies for not translating this video into English.  It is about real father(s).